Needed and Unwanted
by WatUCWatIC
Summary: Spectre 6 ponders. First he was happy, then he was in distress, eventually he became content, but suddenly he couldn't tell whether he was happy, sad, mad or all of the above! Ezra Bridger thinks as he stares at the picture of him and his parents. (Two-shot)
1. Chapter 1

Ezra was a survivor. He was - probably - an orphan, and had been alone from the start. Anything before his seventh birthday was no more than a blur of happiness and unattainable dreams now. People's faces were the clearest thing in his mind (as was the case with most everybody) and so were their names.

He preferred it that way. If he remembered enough about being sheltered, he'd forget how to survive. He was supposed to be looking out for himself, and only himself. He was supposed to steal small bits from bucket heads to sell on the black market and earn food in different ways - some more earnest than others, but none completely decent.

Ezra figured that would be his life for the rest of...of _forever_. Until he died, either of old age or some stupid mistake that would've gotten him shot.

_Nope._ Apparently, he was in command of the force. Apparently, he could become a Jedi, with the required training. Apparently, he still yearned for interaction with real people, who he could really trust and really care for.

He _wanted_ to be sheltered. He knew that was wrong, because he should be used to it - being alone - after eight years, right!?

He should have refused. He should have stopped himself from accepting Kanan's offer, giving himself a chance at being a kid again.

But he hadn't, so now he had to deal with the consequences. Which is strange, because Ezra was sure that once he started trusting them, caring for them and, dare he say,_ loving_ them, he would finally be happy and without a care in the world - no matter how much he wanted to avoid it.

Though being a padawan sounded like the easiest thing in the world until it actually came. It was a lot of work.

Especially with the stupid Jedi sayings Kanan kept giving him, whether they made sense to him or not.

Despite it all, he was still getting better. It was a slow process, but he was better than when he'd started out. He'd started out unskilled, unknowing, unaware and worst of all, undisciplined. But Kanan was just as undisciplined, so it was fine. _Then we're perfect for each other_, he guessed.

But Ezra wasn't perfect. He'd never believed himself to be. He thought - hoped - he was flawed. He wanted to be flawed because he knew he was a lot more selfless than he wanted to be and didn't want to be as selfish as the last eight years had forced him to become.

Such conflicting feelings made him feel horrible, too pensive, and in need of an adult figure to explain to him what was going on.

Sometimes, Ezra just wanted his parents. But, he knew that was just another unattainable dream that belonged in the blur of happiness before his parents were taken from him. He had to make himself believe they were dead, no matter what Tseebo said or had meant to say.

_Tseebo._ Another blurred face of the past, but one of the most recognizable.

He'd been the last person to see them. But he'd also tried to warn them about the Empire, advising them to stop for _his_ safety.

Was it bad for him to blame his parents for his past eight years? Was it bad to blame Tseebo? Was _he_ to blame? Maybe it was Ezra's fault that he wasn't as happy as any other fifteen-year old would be. Though that was probably just the times he lived in.

Ezra strayed from these thoughts, hoping to drown his insecurities with the arrogance he wished to display.

Tseebo was gone. Had been for a while now. It had been a while since he himself had come back, but he still felt horrible. The picture of his parents and him - the one in front of him, the one Sabine had swiped from the old house - no longer gave him any joy. It gave him nostalgia.

He wished he could go back to those times when he was a happy child in the arms of content parents.

He wished - despite what he'd told Kanan - to be back at the Empire's training, surrounded by kids his age and making friends as well as rivals like any normal teenager.

But most of all, he wished he didn't want that. It had been established that he was a survivor who was used to working alone, so wanting a family and friends should _not_ be acceptable! Having a team was okay, because he could ditch them the moment he felt too secure around them.

He wanted to ditch them now, as a matter of fact.

Ezra gave out a hollow laugh, still staring at the empty space between his head and his mother's.

_Hera, Kanan, Zeb, Sabine, Chopper._ A team. He was Spectre 6 out of them all, being the newest recruit. He already trusted them all.

_To a certain extent_, he added to himself.

"I don't _love_ them," he said, still feeling that terribly cold thing creeping inside of him, but no longer trying to take him over. "If I did, I would've left already."

He _would_ have! He really would! He...he wasn't so sure if he would, actually.

Ezra had no desire to be weak. But his team made him weak.

His team made him weak in ways only friends and family had made him weak before, and still did. His team provided warmth, safety, care and more.

He had fights with Zeb that he could only remember having with neighboring kids who used to be his best friends.

He flirted with Sabine in silly ways only a childish teenager would, despite the fact that he was _not_ supposed to be a childish teenager.

He talked to Hera about things he would've only spoken to his parents about, and - if he felt girly enough to keep one - a diary.

He and Chopper had a horrible relationship, but at the best of times, they were good friends.

And Kanan. They relied on each other so much, Ezra relying on his Jedi master more than he wished to admit. Not his father, not his best friend, not family. Something so much closer, but Ezra preferred to avoid cheesy terms like _'soulmate'_.

But he did not _love_. Because Ezra Bridger learned not to from the very start, thank you very much.

Ezra sighed.

And that's why he needed to leave. **Now.** He'd hung out with them long enough, and he had an excuse to leave this time. _To avoid going to the dark side, because Kanan is a bad teacher._ He could just say that, leave and never come back. He could go back to standing at the top of his tower staring at nothing and wondering...

Wondering if he'd ever be happy.

Ezra did not want to admit it, but he was happy with them. With his team. Not his family, because he refused to admit it - _for now._

So the best Ezra could do was neglect his own feelings and continue to pretend he was as selfish as he wanted to be, knowing very well that everyone else knew exactly how selfless he really was.

For now, at least.

Ezra got up, closing the family photo and putting the disk in his pocket. He should go to bed before Zeb fell asleep, lest he _wanted_ to get beaten up for waking him up.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for the reviews! I wasn't planning on updating this, actually, but I guess I will. I was actually trying to write something completely different and use the first chapter as a prologue of sorts, but ended up with no ideas. I'll try my best with angst though :)**

**I'm sorry you didn't understand, Storm - can I call you Storm? - but that's great! That's why I like reviews. It makes me a better writer and gets me higher grades in school.**

**Ezra is not running away. He's going to forget about the fact that he cares for the crew (or try his best to neglect it at least) and continue to pretend he doesn't want to be loved. So cheesy...**

**Also, the last paragraph. Even I thought that could've been written out better, but I was eager to upload so... He sleeps in the same room as Zeb so waking the big guy up would be bad. That's all it meant.**

**And thanks for the Tseebo part. I'll fix it right away!**

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><p>"Kanan, stop."<p>

Said Jedi cowboy, or whom was highly alike one, flinched, snapping his head to look at Ezra.

"What? I'm not doing anything."

"Exactly! You're not even giving me that 'do or do not. Never try' doohickey. Usually you'd be drowning me in training by now."

"I don't drown you in training," Kanan stood straighter, suddenly less sullen than before.

"I fell off a ship," Ezra stated as a matter of fact. Kanan winced.

"That was your own fault?" It was more a question than an accusation, but Ezra understood the intention.

"Yeah, lack of discipline and all that," Ezra waved it off, "You're still doing nothing but staring at...whatever's over there..." He looked over to the field Kanan had indeed been burning a hole through, narrowing his eyes - yet again - to see if he could catch anything.

Nothing.

"What are you staring at?"

Ezra looked up. "Whatever _you_ were. There is nothing of interest in there," he pointed towards the empty field, "so you're probably thinking of something. That's not my problem," though Ezra really wanted to know, "but it's interrupting my training, so it's no use being here."

Kanan deflated. "Yeah. Sorry... I- I just can't believe what a horrible teacher I am to you."

"And I'm a horrible student," Ezra responded, focusing on not sounding too concerned, "Now stop thinking like that and teach, Teach."

"Ezra, you don't understand. You used the force incredibly well, but you also got hurt."

"No I didn't." He hadn't. He'd passed out, yeah, but he'd been alright - if not a bit cold - afterwards.

"You almost fell to the dark side."

Ezra's face scrunched up, glaring at Kanan for pointing it out. Lately, he'd felt that it was a stupid way to go. And Ezra was not stupid (or at least wasn't about to let stupidity be his demise).

"Well, I'm sorry. We can't all be strong powerful-"

"It was _my_ fault, Ezra. You have no reason to apologize." Kanan glared, not menacingly but chastising.

Ezra took a deep breath. He knew that. He still couldn't help but wish he was better now. Kanan had almost _died_! And all he could do was get angry and pass out.

"It's my lack of discipline," Ezra said, looking anywhere but at Kanan. Both of them knew that was true.

"Ezra-" Or maybe not. Kanan still insisted on it being _his_ fault.

"Look Kanan," Ezra took a step back toward the Ghost, "I'm not the touchy-feely type and you know that. I came here to learn how to be a Jedi. If we're not practicing today, I'll just go back." For a split second, Kanan seemed to panic.

"Back _in_," Ezra emphasized. He wasn't going back to the streets, if that's what Kanan had been worried about, and secretly, Ezra was touched. He remained poker, however.

Kanan calmed down but stayed silent and Ezra took that as an okay. He turned around and stepped into the ship, not looking back despite wanting to do so, so much!

But before he entered completely, he paused to speak again.

"And stop saying you're a bad teacher. I already said this. We're perfect for each other, so stop beating yourself up."

And he left.

_Stupid stupid stupid!_ He slapped himself in the forehead repeatedly. That made it sound like he cared - which he did, but he would never admit it!

However, it was unacceptable and simply illogical for Kanan to be upset over him. If he showed he cared for Ezra then Ezra would have to leave.

So the boy put the situation in the back of his mind, like he usually did to meaningful moments between him and the crew members.

He knew he was stalling. It was dangerous to care and Ezra was _starting to __**care**_!

But happiness made him a bit needy, and what was he if not selfish?

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><p><strong>I'm sorry. I've failed you! I wanted angst and ended up giving you guys hurtcomfort. I so sorry! **

**Plus, it's short and unstable. I've wasted your time, I know, but I can't answer Stormcutter through PM and someone asked for an update and I really don't want to do the 'Profiles in Courage' essay thing so I'll stall till the last second or something. **

**I won't name these chapters. If you've seen my HTTYD 'watching the movie' fic then you know I tend to speculate over the chapter's name in the AN, but not for this. **

**See ya (If I dare continue this travesty)**


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